The Revisionist....

I don't know if it's the fuckin weather, or just my general dissatisfaction for where I'm at in my life up to this point, but lately I've been very irritable. And I mean, this has gone on for the last few months really, and I don't have much of an explanation. I mean, I have theories, and so do others (as Sean has so lovingly put at times) but no definitive answers. And you know what? I'm really not all that bothered about it.

I'm talking to Ashton right now. She's having a baby. I'm happy for her, but all I can think about is a line from the Billy Bragg song "A New England:" "People ask me when will you grow up to be a man/ but all the girls I liked in school are already pushing prams" (A pram is an English term for a baby carriage.) Also what jumps out in that song, (a terrific segway) is the chorus "I don't want to change the world, I'm not looking for a New England. I'm just lookin for another girl."
I'm 22 years old (I could make an unprecedented third reference to A New England here, but I'll stay away from it) and for the first time in my life I feel free from the confinement of my expectations. I mean, I was always this safe, straight edge, good friend but not good enough to be more than that-until the you realized that I was exactly what you wanted- type of guy. Maturity is a great thing; you realize how everything you stood for before was complete bullshit. I fear this greatly as I grow older. I mean, I don't fear the ramifications of my past, and when (not if) they will catch up with me, as much as I fear the future and what I am doing right now. Like I said, maturity is a great thing. It was time to grow up past the nice boy-next-door Richie Cunningham persona. (Everybody knows it was the Fonz who was getting the ladies. He was so badass, he didn't even have to comb his hair... but i digress.) It was time to stop taking shit from everybody, and put my foot down.

Now did this have a negative effect? Sure. I mean, I know Sean didn't like it. He was used to having me as his punching bag, and now I was talking back. And I have to add, at no point did I ever think Sean did it because he genuinely didn't like me. I know that next to Sheri I am probably the most influential and important person in his life. I have my own theories, but we're not here to discuss Sean, we're here to discuss me. So anyways, like with everything you take the good with the bad.

And you're asking yourself, "what the hell does any of this have to do with anything." I'm getting there..

Driving home with Ashley after the Angels game Tuesday (of course, the only game this week they lost) we had quite a conversation. That usually happens when one of the passengers is inebriated. I won't go into what was discussed, but here was this girl beating herself up for something that I've done way too many times before. I used to be like her. I would analyze every single minute of every single situation until I drove myself insane and/or drove the other person away. Now, eh... fuck it. They're probably not important anyways. And what kind of attitude is that? Who am I, fucking Leonardo DiCaprio? I've got a newsflash for myself: I'm not witty, nor attractive, nor rich enough to get away with that kind of attitude. And in actuality nobody should be able to. But here I was listening to this girl (who by the way is one of the sweetest, nicest girl's you'll ever meet) basically pour her heart out, and it hit me. I've changed.

I've written blogs before about how things have changed, but not like this. This is a different change. This isn't "Oh I used to only listen to punk rock, and now I listen to Motown and indie rock like I'm some fuckin hipster asshole from Williamsburg." No, this was a definite change in mentality and attitude. I've lost all patience and sensibility. People no longer have names and stories, there just faces. Some pretty, some successful, some beat, some dejected. That's how I saw people. That realization didn't sit well with me.

Before I drove home (or at least before Ashley drove me home) like I had said, I was at an Angel game. I had a good time, and spent it with some really cool people. Some good friend's I had known since high school, others acquaintances I had met a few times before. One a complete stranger. I didn't realize it, but the complete stranger probably had the most profound affect on me then anyone has had in quite some time. I'll come back to this.

So when I started this blog, I said I had some theories on my mind-altering change. Well really, I have one. I have lost all tolerance for ignorance. I've lost patience for stupidity. And what I once thought to be a small minority has snowballed into (in my eyes) the vast majority of society. This is a society that (twice) elected George W. Bush. This is a society that holds down gay marriage based on religious beliefs in a country that was founded on freedom of religion (not to mention separation between church and state.) A society where soccer moms preach global warming through SUV's; where families can't pay their mortgage, but can afford a new flat screen tv; where children could go outside to play football, but would rather play it on their Playstation. I wont even get into America's fixation with Sarah Palin, the second amendment, sex, violence, and celebrity. Pretty much, though, I had just given up all hope. And that's not to say I stopped caring or fighting. I just stopped interacting with society. And a funny thing happened.
Before, and especially after Victoria and Carla, I was trying to find someone to fill their void. This is where a lot of those decisions I mentioned earlier when talking about Ashley resonated from. Sure, I went on my share of dates, but none of them were out of interest but more so out of boredom. I would convince myself that this was what I wanted, that this girl could ignite my lost spark in society. That she'd keep me believing the world's not gone dead. They never did. I'd lose interest in a week, and only hold on to pass the time until they found someone else, and I was back to minding my own business. This went on for a good year, until Tuesday.
Right before I met her, my friend Nicole said to me "you and my friend have a lot in common, you both are into politics and stuff." I kind of ignored it. When I met her, she seemed like a nice enough girl, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. It's probably a good thing I did.

Latterman has a song that goes "I saw new things in the same old town that year after I decided being dead inside wasn't an option." I think that can sum up my thoughts on meeting this girl. She definitely re-lit a dead spark, and re lit a burned out fire in my soul. In the couple hours we spent talking I realized while society had gone to shit, not everyone was as content as I was to sit around and watch it. That there were still people that cared. That there were still people that were not willing to sit around and watch America be run into the ground. It was amazing. And I'm not saying I fell for her, or that I'm falling for her, or that I'm interested in that way at all. It's not like that at all. It was just nice to feel alive.

She's had me thinking the last couple days about my actions, my views, my options. Maybe I was too hard on everybody else? Maybe I was too hard on myself? Maybe I was regretting the many, many questionable decisions I've made over the last year or so? Maybe I was afraid what the my actions today will bring tomorrow? I think, though, it was that I was scared to find out I can't make a single difference. Well as it turns out, it is possible for one person to make a difference.

And that my friends, was the point of this blog