I'm in a rut. From time to time I become extremely reclusive, and it takes its toll. I no longer feel the desire to see anybody, and become even less social than normal(if that's even imaginable). I become irritable; I become irrational; I become paranoid. It's almost as if I become Truman, only instead of trying to escape, I'm trying to hide.
Poor Catherine, she has to put up with this. It's funny though, how little the reclusive state seems to affect how much I want to see her. If anything, it makes me want to see her more. I love her. I love her more than I've loved anybody before. In fact, she's the first girl I can legitimately see myself (gulp) marrying. I embrace her imperfections, instead of using them to push her away. She doesn't hang me on my insecurities, but rather takes them into consideration. She loves me for who I am, the selfish, caring, intelligent, dumb, silly, gawky, awkward, dorky, nerdy, loving, compassionate, obsessive person I am. And I love it. I love it that I can be comfortable in my skin, and not have to be something else. She's uber feminist, but she plays domestic housewife for me: taking care of me when I'm sick, cooking me dinner, even cleaning out my car. You know, thing's I don't do for myself. But she does it out of love.
We had our first real fight today, over something silly and unimportant. She's struggling with things, as am I, and they both took their toll. But instead of yelling and name-calling, we talked it out and an hour later we were laughing again. It's moments like this where I feel sorry for people who have to work at their relationships. I feel sorry for people who have to fake it. We don't. Sure we have our ups and downs, but it's still so simple. She doesn't get upset over the stupid comments I make like my obsession with Pam Beesly (and quite frankly, Ms. Beesly doesn't hold a candle to Cat). She shrugs it off. She point's out girls that are checking me out; not in a bitchy 'why is she looking at you' way, but in a 'yeah, that's right you can look but he's mine' kind of way. To sum it up, we just don't have to work at being happy and making our relationship work, it just does.
And that's why we're so happy. That's why things like laying in the backseat of a car for hours or watching movies on a couch just work for us. Why we don't have to spend money we both don't have to be happy. That's why something as silly as dancing in the moonlight, swaying while I sing to her "I'll love you forever if I ever love at all" makes her fall in love with me, and her singing back "with wild heart's, blue jeans and white t-shirts" makes me want to spend the rest of my life with her. That's why we're both so excited to see Richmond, Va on our (possible) trip to DC (more on that at a later date) because maybe we'd like to end up there. That's why we go eight or nine days at a time where we see eachother, and can't go more than a day without it. Say what you want, that we're young, that this is still new; whatever. The truth is that I've been around the block. I've experienced my share of relationships, and because of that I know how special that is. To quote the Lawrence Arms : "I know what I've got, and I love what I know."
And, to tie everything back in, that's why I'm content with being reclusive. Because I have what I need. I'm in love, and nothing else matters.
Well, maybe winning my fantasy game today... LETS GO ARIZONA's DEFENSE!!! Ugh, I feel so dirty rooting against the 49ers but lets face it, their season is long over.
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