A Little's (Not) Enough

Bare with me, this is going to be a long one. Maybe.

I'm struggling a bit with my thoughts right now, and I'm not sure why I am, or I even should be. Maybe I put too much faith in humanity and decency? Maybe I buy into this silly institution called "love?" Maybe my expectations are just set too high? I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

The night started so innocently, but by the end of the night I felt so guilty that its 3 in the morning and I can't sleep. And you want to know the fucked up part about everything? I didn't do anything. Yet for some reason my conscience is eating away at me. And like I mentioned before, I just don't know why.

I won't get into specifics, cause really that's not important. What is bothering me most is how tonight was just another example of why I don't trust. I've been given plenty of reasons not to trust, and I'll admit it sure as hell has held me back. But I eventually put it past me and think "hey, it was just one instance. Shit will be different." Shit never changes. Shit piles up.

I've been disappointed before. I've been let down, I've been embarrassed. I've felt like I've let everybody down before as well. Tonight I felt everything. And you know what, it's the latter that is hurting me the most. I felt like I had a responsibility to keep everything in line, and I failed. How am I supposed to explain what happened? "I'm sorry, I was too late to handle it in time?" What will they think? Even though it's not really your fault, it is? Why weren't you keeping order? Why weren't you watching? I thought we could trust you? Ugh.

And for what? Some outdated bullshit institution that I still by into? One day I'm going to realize life ain't like the movies. That Clark Gable is just an actor. That Jack Dawson didn't really ride on, and sink with, the Titanic. That Edward Bloom didn't really cover an entire meadow with daffodils. That kind of shit just doesn't happen. Yet we want so badly to believe that love is real. That there is one person for us, and nobody else. Yeah, until you're "inebriated" and you find your tongue wedged down another person's throat. But hell, you're in love right?

And really, what faith should I have in humanity? If everything I see, everything I experience leads to a late night/early morning blog full of what if's and why's then why the hell should I continue to believe that everything okay? That a little's enough? Let me let you in on a little secret; there is no amount of "little" that will ever be enough. I'm thinking a god damn lot wouldn't be enough.

Look, I'm not perfect. Far from it. I have skeletons in my closet just like everybody else, but you know what? I man up to my mistakes. I'm not ready to give up yet, but I definitely know where the white flag is. And that kind of hurts...